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We were due to hit Hamsterley today but it didn't pan out that way, as Andy and Jason were hamstrung by family business so what would have been an uncommon great turnout turned into another uncommon event. That was because both David and John were out on the same day, first time since September.

We'd decided on a leisurely start anyway and left David's about 10.20, so we diverted to Chopwell to save Hamsterley for another day. It was a cool morning, 3 degrees when we left the car about 11.00, but there was no wind and the ground in the carpark didn't look too bad. We rode to the top of the wood first and descended on the Root trail where we soon discovered Chopwell was living up to it's reputation as the muddiest forest in the UK!

Terry loaned John his new Coiler, trying to tease him into buying one - but we need to work on his Dragon, I mean wife, Angela to pull that off. David was giving his new Coiler DL it's first proper mudbath and workout and Terry rode the Barracuda with still no rear brake. We ran into doggy walkers half way down the roots so had to ease off, but were travelling slowly anyway after hauling the bikes through the Bog. We had five minutes of critical evaluation of clipless pedals versus flatties at the foot of the trail with David happy that he'd won his argument FOR clipless, and us two happy we'd done the same AGAINST! Time will tell. Time would tell!

From here we went back to the car for Terry to offload several layers of clothing then up to the start of the Four Stages trail behind the Bombhole.

All dressed conservatively with XC helmets on a day for a relaxing, bike-feeling ride. Soon after this shot was taken, Terry bit the dust big-time with a textbook Flying W straight over the bars on Stage 2 when he ploughed into the muddy bog at the bottom, with an hysterically belly-laughing David right on his tale (NOT a spilling mosteke). Luckily though, there was no dust to bite. The front wheel buried itself immediately in six slimy inches, but luckily six slimy inches of plop is great to land in, except that your hands and arms, nose and lips go a little stiff when it dries later. And the end of your camelback sucky tube doesn't taste too good when you pushed it underground in this stuff.

Back aboard we were off again, fighting our way through the traffic and trying to look not too lame amongst 20-odd triple-crown full sussers being jumped and rattled through our private grounds - how dare they? I've never seen this many bikes in here at one time, not even during the summer. The voices weren't local, though - Darlington area I would guess. We did a couple of laps of the bottom two stages to check out the latest changes - quite a few new log jumps have been created - and then descended to the bottom of the Woods for the section leading down to the river. After Terry managed to hit a tree at full tilt with his left shoulder (no complaints - it saved him from a certain 50 foot drop off the hillside) he looked back just in time to see David slither into the weeds a little way behind. Unfortunately there wasn't time to get the camera ready to catch him on his nethers, but the aftermath is here:

The bikes were properly christened with Chopwell mud by now so we made our way up to the road again, dropping in to the top of the Downhill, known to us as the Yellow Brick Road or YBR for a quick blast before home. And finally, we were pushing the bikes up past the two tabletops when David decided to try them out, although they looked a bit too clarty for me. (clarty - under a heavy coating of Geordie mud).

Anyway, what do you think this is? Yep, it's a nutritious food bar, commonly carried by mountain bikers and used as nutrition.

What's it doing there? Well, that's where it landed, isn't it? Landed?

Whaddya mean, landed? Well, that's where it landed when it fell. Fell?

Whaddya mean, fell? Well, it sort of started the day in a Camelback, inside a zip.

So how did it fall? Well, it fell when the zip opened.

Well how did the zip open? It opened just before this photo was taken, which was a bit before this other photo was taken.

Recognise the terrain? It's the end of the big tabletop.

What's the significance of that? That's where the zip opened.

Yeah, but WHY? Coz that's where the zip landed, so it opened when it landed? YES MAN! Now you're getting it. Scared to ask any more questions - see if a couple more photos help - these are unique and rare photos of a mysterious living thing you've probably heard of but never seen - the Face Plant.

Here's John offering a sympathetic moment to David, who seems to have a clarty face

And here he is seconds later, when he lost control of his brain's sympathy section

Getting my drift now? Here's a pensive looking David, studiously surveying the scene of the case of the opening zip and fallen nutritional bar.

And then vowing to return

And before you switch to Google or your favourite porn site, just take a look at the video evidence: 

Before (2MB) ... After (3.5MB)

and, purely in the interests of scientific research, blow-by-blow (2MB)

Jason and Andy gained some compensation for missing this ride by squirting off secretly (again!) for a training session the day before at Andy's favourite trail, Newcastleton.

Sunday 23rd April 2006

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