WARNING: the following passage is not for the consumption of the over-fives.

Crikey, what a fantastic last few weeks I've had - am I the only one who doesn't know something? Starting to worry me now!

First there was the wind-down at work before the school closed for the summer holidays.

Then an enforced layoff while the builders moved in when I'd normally be in there grafting away with no teachers to interfere.

Then I had more than a little leave to take, being "owed" a few months worth I hadn't taken over the last 7 or 8 years (I know, I know but they're lost forever now).

That led nicely up to the Midaircrisis Welsh Wander 21st - 28th August - a brilliant week of trails with a great bunch of people. (Story almost finished, by the way).

How do you cap all of this?

Well, on Saturday 4th September I was kidnapped - literally bundled into the car and driven to a secret location by my two youngest, their partners, and my significant other. When they let me out it was to get battered for six hours by very painful paintballs as two teams of about 30 battled for supremacy. My team lost, incidentally, and if my multitude of flesh wounds are anything to go by I'm not surprised, the enemy must have been using BFGs. Great fun but I was knackered and glad to get out of there alive.

Then I was carted off to the Middle One's home in Blyth for an afternoon buffet in the sun - very nice, and the day was capped perfectly when my eldest of three also landed as a complete surprise with her man and my two lovely granddaughters - brilliant, what a day!

Then the Kirroughtree ride on Sunday 5th September was my choice as my "Birthday Ride" and although there were, erm, issues with my saddle it was still a great day out and once again in great company. And the presentation of that fantastic surprise gift at the end just blew me away, as did that very fetching birthday card.

As a kid I was lucky enough to get work as soon as I left school and that enabled me to tot up a tidy little pension with BT. That was paid out promptly on the sixth, my birthday.

I also retired from my current job on the same day. Too old, see? Nowt to do but go around the bike shops, and as you'll know by now Gordon FORCED me to go look in Steels at Gosforth and I ended up spending on a new Trek Top Fuel Nine, promised by my better half if I could reach retirement age. (Heh, heh, bet she didn't expect to pay out on that one!)

With the Bank getting excited at a very bright red account suddenly turning black for the first time in decades I thought it best to ease their worries by spending some more.

The wife got her new car, so I had to get even, didn't I?

First ride on the bike with Mick, Francis and Jason in the Dales was a great success - BUT!

Let's have those nice but way too heavy Bontrager RXL wheels off the new bike and get some custom built ones. Ah, that's better - 100 grams gone for £500, not bad, eh?

And what about those daft little 100mm Sid Race forks? Geremoff! Substitute some nice 2011 150mm Revelations instead. That's my 100 gram gain gone up in smoke!

Can't leave all that plain old XT stuff on there now can we? Get some XTR bits ordered, this is great! (She comes over but I blank the screen - me woz a techie).

Tool shop next day - you don't get much for £300, do you?

Those new ZTR wheels look stupid without nice big boolies - never been able to afford Nobby Nics before, let's try a pair of their biggest 2.4" b@st@rds and see if they stick.

Skinny flat, stiff ally bars are sh:te, so get some carbon risers ordered.

Bonty's carbon seatpost is a bit overweight...

So is their stem...

Cheapskates put on a second-best SRAM cassette - geritoff an' all.

Spend five days online searching out disc rotors a bit stronger than Paul's anaemic Ashimas - found!

Locate some rarified SRAM gripshifts coz I like them.

A few gallons of Stan's juice will be handy when I've spent it all.

As we approach the cost of a plastic Scott Spark we call a slowdown on the upgrade spendies coz it could get daft (actually, SHE calls a halt).

The celebrations have lasted since late July BUT that's still not the end of Happy Hour!

I'm in our "secret" wood this Wednesday afternoon, 22nd, trying to clear out a longer trail. (Thursday night write-up will reveal more). The mobe starts singing it's head off ("Layla", Eric Clapton) so I try and smother it in case somebody hears and/or sees me in here using a saw. I can't shut it off so I answer it and luckily the ringtone stops. "Hi Skip, it's me, David" comes the voice of my ex-work IT Technician colleague (he started calling me "Skip" as an apprentice, must have thought "Skid" was too dirty). "Keep ya voice down" I whisper loudly down the phone. "What, I can't hear you, you sound like you're underground" he comes back. Little does he know. "I've got something for you - your birthday present". "Fudge Off, you silly bu@@er" I respond. "I'll bring it on Friday" sez he, and buzzes off.

Well, Friday was today, and surely this marks the end of my lucky spell, time to get back to normality. But this is what he brought me, thought you might like to see it as there's sod all on telly and it's p:$$:in doon.

Recognise the vehicle? >>>

Ahh, say ahh!

And who's this ugly looking greedy little git?

Gollums are everywhere...

I should be a few grams heavier myself by the time we reach Whinlatter on Sunday!

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