Hairy Coo Race Weekend
Comrie Croft, Crieff, Perthshire, Sat 17-10-09

A very short Friday night sleep saw eight hardy MidAirCrisis Marauders set out from the Toon around 0730 on the Saturday morning, with Chris K carrying Jeff, Tim and Mick in his Monteverdi and Terry K hauling Chris D, Ian M and Steve B in the GollyMobile. One bike in the back of the van, five on the bike rack and two hanging off the Mondeo estate's rear window.

The excitement started at Alnwick when it became fairly obvious that the GollyMobile just wouldn't allow volunteer driver Steve to get past 50mph. His fellow passengers put up with this for about five more miles before insisting on an investigation, while the Mondoopy drew alongside with four yawning faces pressed against its windows.

With the Gollum ensconced in the driving seat the old GM seemed to snap out of its daydream and responded by dragging swiftly up to Chatton at ninety plus. That's kmh, Occifer. So we swapped seats again and it seemed to treat Stevie a bit better after that.

Next stop Edinburgh where the vehicles got split up with the Monsoon going straight up the M90 over the Forth Bridge while the stand-in White Van Man took the GM on a scenic tour of the Scottish capital. Under Golly's characteristically flawed navigational skills, I hasten to add.

We next saw each other at this place -

which is Kinross Services on the M90 just shy of Point Two, Perth. We were only here a few minutes, just long enough for Chris D to discover the Chef's dirty habits (!). Then we cruised merrily through sleepy Perth seeking the next turn-off.

Onward, target number three, Crieff, was easy peasy for Jeff's SatNav although the MACTruck had to use the Sun to navigate by, and we got there at precisely 11:55, five whole minutes earlier than predicted by the Guessing Gollum and not too bad for 185 miles of the thickest infestation of speed cameras on God's Earth. And along the way, of course, the entertainment was fairly decent apart from the music.

First job was to seek out the Monsoon, and we spotted it in the main car park, with it's crew marching off the camping field behind to meet us. We took the van up the dirt road as near to the site as possible and proceeded to offload the bikes, tents, wardrobes, blow-up dolls and the rest of the weekends toys.

The next hour was spent establishing Base Camp, with the majority of Tiddly Tents grouping in an arc around the stone fireplace next to the Dome of St Christopher, aka Chris K's luxury roaming apartment (block). All set up, all settled in, airbeds inflated and time to register at Race Control around 13:00. At half past we made a move towards the start up that awful hill we faced too many times last October.

We stood there, quietly at first, and then providing rapturous applause for the kiddies as they continued the "Bairn's Race". And continued.And continued.If these youngsters don't turnout to be Olympic standard cyclists I'll eat your kimono. They really do push them hard around this gnarly course, no matter how old or able they are. Mebbe its the Haggis.

About half an hour after the scheduled start time the track was cleared ready for the main Event.

The race began like last year in bright sunlight with an almost clear sky, but thankfully the start had been moved half way up the hillside. This not only made the finishing climb shorter, although still punishing, but it opened up the hillside so the spectators could see loads more of the action, although this was mainly also uphill, so not particularly action-packed after the first quarter lap.

A few minutes before the start we were all instructed to go back down the hill about 70 metres so the drag up would work to reduce the inevitable first corner bottleneck. When the "Go" command bellowed out, a cheeky Gollum zigzagged his way through the starting bunch getting into about twelfth place by the time we hit the first meadow crossing. And that's exactly where he stayed. No, not twelfth. He stayed at the first meadow crossing! And he was there for ages as that initial burst emptied both his lungs and legs. Felt good to be up front for a short while though!

Mick was the first MACManiac to steam past, as expected, and was to repeat the dose in the same place on Golly's second lap! First time around he was quickly followed by Steve, Jeff, Chris D, Ian and Tim who of course were pacing themselves properly. Golly just managed to get started again before Chris K arrived behind him. Now although the change to the course was appreciated, it still left all of last year's upper sections intact, and therefore still a sizeable piece of hill to climb before any favourable change in altitude could be gleefully seized upon.

There was major disappointment just about 15 minutes in when the other seven members of Team MidAirCrisis all came across poor Mick in the top wood with his Intense inverted at the side of the trail - sidewall damage causing a debilitating puncture in his rear wheel, the one clothed infamously in that somewhat "slick" carcass he's been using so effectively for the last six years.

After last year's fantastic performance where he just missed out on a top three spot, we were all quietly confident he could make it this time and become the Club's first ever medal winner. Instead he had to settle for words of sympathy as each of his ride buddies rode past. He lost a great deal of time here but just got on with the race and began to pick off as many of his rivals as possible after that, managing to stay with the ultimate winner on one stretch.

Meantime the others battled away, with varying degrees of success. Just after Golly had passed his stricken Team Captain he was joined by Tim and Ian who had stopped to offer help and a handkerchief. Pulling up at the top of the trickiest drop through the stream and up between the twin trees, he signalled for the other two to wait as he had a feeling the stranger in front was about to come a cropper and block the trail.

His prediction was accurate, so the trio waited for the unknown victim to pick himself up and clear out of the way. Then Golly signalled Tim, waiting alongside, to do his stuff. His confidence in Tim's ability to make the clearance was ill-founded, however, and because he was sat there a few centimetres off his back wheel, became the second part of Tim's own catastrophe, while Ian sensibly kept his distance until these two had righted themselves. Unbeknown to them, this was to cost one of them dearly later on! Tim thought he'd punctured his rib cage but soldiered on, as we do.

So gradually and gruelingly the race unfolded, but I'd have to ask each one of the lads to report on his own ride as I didn't see much more of anyone until the end. When I did pull in after my second lap (Veterans only did two - tee, hee) I was more than a little shocked to be informed I was third, provisionally! No doubt that mistake would soon be corrected once everyone had finished.

As first MidAirMan finished I was then privileged to witness the others coming across the line, and first one back after me was Chris K. Or it looked a bit like Chris, although it was really hard to tell. That's because his face and body were completely encased in gooey mud! On one of the other little drops he'd taken his eye off his front wheel, and while preparing for the big dipper in front of him had forgotten to hop over the baby one first. You know the rest! None of us realised that there was this much gloop anywhere on the course, so we reckon he must have slid some distance on his face to collect a full suit of the stuff! Although Chris didn't get a prize for this, he did get the biggest cheer of the day when he crossed the line in his heavy disguise. And he, like Tim, also thought he'd done rib damage, but luckily got away with bruising.

One by one the others arrived, either to start their final laps or to finish. The rule was everyone in each of the three classes stopped racing after the winner crossed the line. Before too long we were all gathered at the finish post having a well-deserved cuppa and recounting our tales of woe. With the last finishers home we were told to assemble at the Croft for the prizegiving.

With the prospect of a third place it was a nervous time for the Gollum as the Team waited for the results to be announced. Sure enough, there'd been no appeals that Golly had used foul tactics and as his name was read out he crawled out of the crowd to collect - the lads hoped - his bottle of plonk, sat there on the presentation table glinting in the sunlight. No such luck! All he got was a chain tool, so Team Mac started to boo him, drunken so-and-so's!

So, not quite the outcome we'd have predicted but at least we got something out of it and a little bit of Club history was created. Actually we got a lot more than that, as the friendliness of the competitors and the warmth and enthusiasm of the spectators was truly heartwarming. Not only that, but once again the course proved very challenging with excellent stretches of singletrack, and stamped its own character on our weekend.

Well, that was that for another year, so we returned to the tents right next to the Croft and began to get cleaned up and prepared for the MidAirCampfire. While half the party went shopping with Chris K in his MonDragon the others set about raising a fire, with Tim and Chris D providing the sparks to get it going. We grabbed a couple of bags of firewood from the Honesty Box stockpile and a few hours later the youngsters had created an inferno Jason would have been proud of.

Once the Moonlander had returned it was Time To Cook, but the only locally available barbecues were those pre-made tinfoil things, so they sure added to the entertainment as the evening kicked in. We formed a circle and played musical chairs all night to avoid the smoke from the fire, getting stuck into everything that contained meat of some description. Tim and Mick went on a daring blackout raid to commandeer more firewood from outside an "empty" tent, where the occupants, a young couple breathing heavily, were completely taken by surprise, as were our dumstruck and apologetic Commandos.

Highlight of the night was Chris K's homemade chicken curry, or Curry Christophe Almondeo, which he'd brought from home after careful pre-preparation in a pot the size of a pedal bin. Highly appropriate and a lovely gesture from a smashin' bloke. I'd rather eat him than his curry.

That concoction went down extremely well with the funny food eaters, while the solitary Gollum chewed on a peanut butter sarnie. As usual, one or two sausages were unfortunately killed or seriously injured during the making of this barbecue, for which we apologise and promise to plant more.

The evening's entertainment was just a hundred metres away in the Lodge, where the Drover's Tryst were holding their annual Hairy Coo Ceilidh. Team MAC, however, (and in consideration of the ten quid a head entry to the Ceilidh) were to spend the night creating their own version of Universally Challenged, with alphabet soup on the menu. I can't say any more than that without losing 90 percent of the membership. Tim, substituting for the youngest member on this occasion, took the full brunt of the MAC tail pulling but rode it out extremely well. Once we'd slagged everyone off, one-by-one, it was time to turn in for the night around 11:30pm with a long ride ahead tomorrow.

Day Two here.

And here's Mick's take on the race.

The plan was to go fairly hard from the beginning up the hill to get a good place before the single track. This went really well and god knows how hard the Gollum must've been breathing on the first meadow crossing as I went past because I wasn't taking it easy!!

By the time I got to the first bit of singletrack I had got to about 10th and had no one too close in front of me. Time to settle into a good rhythm for a couple of laps.

Last year some of the technical downhill bits caught me out a few times, but this year it was dry so I attacked them all. The steep drop off to stream crossing was the only one where I thought "should I get off?". That soon passed though as I dropped off the top only to hear a pop and a explosion of Stan's from my front wheel. B@ll@cks.

I inspected the damage, all air pressure gone and a nice 5mm hole in the sidewall. I then was hindered/helped by a marshall who had a very unusual technique for putting a tube in and I got to watch the whole field pass me!! Tube in, time to go hell for leather.

At least when I got going again it was just behind some of the female riders!! I caught a few up into lap 2. The leader went past me so I thought I could hang onto his back wheel, but that elastic snapped after about 2 minutes when I couldn't breath any more,  he was quick.

I then stopped to help a guy who was upside down in a gorse bush with his bike on top of him. Underway again I then got another front TUBE puncture. This time a poxy little thorn. Another competitor stopped and gave me a spare tube to throw in rather than me patch mine. So off I went again blasting down the singletrack. I was looking forward to a fourth lap, but the race had finished due to the very fast winner.

Overall though a great little course with lots of fun bits. The other competitors were great, always happy to say something when passing or being passed and always willing to help out.

Mick