Here's Jeff itching to get started

And a wee helmetless chip on his shoulder

After first ducking under the A69 we then crossed it just short of Greenshaw Plain and started climbing very wet bridleway to Coastley to get us in the mood. We crossed the B6305 at Low Gate for some tarmac relief as far as East Nubbock then looped back towards Hexham and jumped into the field at the western edge of Hexham Racecourse.

That was a bit of light downhill relief only impeded by the soggy ground - familiar? It was at the southern corner of this meadow where things went a bit skew -whiff! The Gollum got through the gate as one of the front runners and stopped to wait for the rest of the squad. Gavin came through the gate and turned left past Golly and stopped a few yards past him. That was enough of a signal to the daft old pod to send him on his way so he shot off followed by John and one of the Reivers. This short section of downhill singletrack was lapped up by the MidAirMen and their follower, with a great set of rock drops and gardens and very tricky chutes through the woods down towards West Dipton Burn. However, once the first three were down at the end of the section, they soon realised they didn't have the pleasure of anyone else's company. So they started yelling "Reivers" and various other profanities into the trees in the hope of attracting someone's attention. The forest responded with silence. Gulp! I'm sure I saw a tree move. Whatever would we do? Continuing to shout, we finally got a response after what seemed an eternity. It was another Reiver's straggler, cut off as we were from the main bunch.

After a short discussion we voted democratically (1-3) to ignore stupid Gollum's great idea and turn back. Just as well. We stuck feathers in our helmets and minutes later were tracking mountain bike tyre treads through the boggy wilderness, but now facing west instead of east. Sure enough, ten or fifteen minutes later we caught up with the caring Reivers, who were lounging around a spit roast licking their lips and getting ready to move on after a hearty lunch. We managed to persuade them to wait while we also grabbed a bite then it was time to get started again after Steve proclaimed the "next half is the fast half". This "half" had taken us to the 9.5 mile marker, by the way. See below for the real truth. 15 minutes later we rejoined the 6305 a mile south of where we'd left it an hour and a half ago. If only we'd known! Still that's what these Reiver chappies and chapesses do - they torture you. John refuses fame

We were now at West Nubbock, and continued on tarmac for another 1.5 miles before turning north into the bog again over Yellow Rigg. Fortunately this provided another enjoyable, fast descent to Elrington but then another hard slog south west to Langley Castle. There now began a 9.5 mile loop around Haydon Bridge, crossing the Tyne at Crow Hall then the A69 again to Thorngrafton Common. Some fairly tired legs by now whose owners were beginning to wonder if they'd left their cars at Hexham or Haltwhistle, or had their sense of direction completely deserted them. Let's see now - 2 times 9.5 = 19, so we were going to cover 19 miles on this ride (if you remember the luncheon halt). Anyway, shut up and pedal. Or walk, as the case may be.

John's clipless adventure causes havoc so off he gets

Jeff feeling his weight the peloton awaits

here's Gollum walking fairly slowly, while up ahead...

The next section was a mixture of easily ridden bridleway and skinny tarmac through New Alston before turning north onto the B road through Newbrough and then Fourstones. This is where we stopped for another discussion of possible routes back for the final stint into Hexham, but the Gollum knew he had no more climbs left in the fragile little limbs so he said a quick bye-bye and sped off towards Hexham the easy way. Just past the infamous river-poisoning paper mill at High Warden John and Golly were brushed aside by a flying Derek. Sure he'd climbed the hill at Fourstones with the others! Shortly after we were also burnt off by - the Others! Looks like the old Reivers had had enough aswell. Is this a first?

How on earth do MTB jockey wheels survive? 2MB .mpg vid

Back at the cars, the Gollum's little botty was extremely sore, same as last Sunday's ride but 24 hours too soon. But I reckon most of the squad were well done in by this one. Really looking forward to summer rides on firm ground. But, having said that, the Reivers outings are still pretty good. If you've never been out for a proper ride, and you have a half decent mtb, and you don't mind a bit of Michael Extraction, and you'll follow any idiot into impassable mush, why not get in touch with either us at MidAircrisis or them at...  Well, you'll have to come through me for that information.

The ride was memorable for being our John's first foray into the trees with clipless pedals, and after all the criticism he's levelled at regular clipless users, he must be eating sh*t now coz he handled them very well. Come to think of it, everyone ate some of that stuff today - you couldn't miss it on the farm roads. Also memorable as it probably marks Jeff's realisation that mountain biking isn't always easy for everyone, and sometimes it's good to know you've waited for the stragglers to catch up.

GPS said 31.9 miles, 6hrs 2mins total, max speed 35.3mph, average 5.02mph. Bike PC said 32.7 miles.

Have you Killed A BIKE THIEF TODAY?