It was a beautiful morning, this Sunday 10th August 2008, when the Gollum's little eyelids began to flutter at 6:45am as the Sun burst through the sacking hung over the entrance to his Holystone Cave. Not quite so bright by the time today's victims began to arrive for Kielder at the unearthly hour of 8 o'clock. Those arrivals were Chris D, Chris K (sleepy head!), Keith, Ian F and Steve W. After some deliberation, Golly decided the van could accommodate all six bods and bikes, so we scrushed in and set off a wee bit later than planned.

There were ominous black clods ahead as we exited the far side of Bellingham, and by the time we'd done the length of the Reservoir with a heavy-breathing Keith at the wheel (so we could get the skinnies in the back seat!) it was tipping down in Kielder Castle's car park. It soon stopped, however, and around 9:27, Keith led the troop off around the Skills Loop as a warm-up. The Gollum, wily old devil, chose not to waste any valuable energy and waited up the hill for the others to join him.

We managed to skate through the rivers of rainwater belching out all over the first two singletrack sections, and half way up the first fireroad climb, the rain again eased off with bits of blue sky appearing. We'd been approached by a pair of lady riders in the car park for money for the ticket machine, no, that sounds wrong, we'd been asked for change, yes, that's better, and it transpired that we were to cross paths with them several times as both parties made their way around the trails.

On the drop to the start of the 3 Dog Climb, Golly decided to introduce them to NMBC but they ran screaming into the trees. No they didn't you fool, they were actually quite receptive as he explained the Club's current attempts to put together a Ladies Section and may well wish to correspond with our other current lady riders/enquirers.

The other thing that happened on that first diabolical drop was that Gollum, keen to demonstrate his total lack of balance on a bike, tipped himself off and jammed the puny little right trotter between two rocks as he did so. It hurt heaps, and he's sitting here now writing this with an ice pack on a lump the size of an egg, unable to walk. Roll on tomorrow's drive to France!  Non-Jumpers    ChrisHopper    Walkies

Enough whinging. The climb took us up the hill to the foot of the Deadwater fell loop, where once again Golly declined the absolute pleasure of completing that abysmal, pointless, soul-destroying detour and hit the trees instead for an early lunch stop at 11:30. The midges wanted to join in but yet again, that Wonder Fluid, Avon Skin So Soft Body Oil (I get off just saying it) kept the little gits at bay. After a 15 minute halt it was time for the off, but we had to shout Chris D and Steve back as they'd taken off up the dreaded hill in pursuit of a sad b@sket.

Onto the excellent first singletrack down to the gate it was Gollum ahead with Jimmy No-Brakes hot on his tail (Ian F) but the order changed half way down after Accident Number One for the impetuous youth. The rest of the group descended more-or-less in control, and as soon as last man was down safely we were off again, down to the bridge, through the two gates and up onto the start of the Black trail.

Time for Steve W and Chris D to try and improve on past performances as they attacked Devil's Elbow and did indeed get higher than ever before until forced to concede to gravity. It was a nice walk for the rest of us. Not many takers for the timber stuff at the top of the Black, with No-Brakes almost making it but not quite. The crosswind made it a bit tricky but hesitation is your worst enemy on this run.

When we reached the top, Rubber Man was at it again! Yep, poor Chris D's puncture gremlins had struck again, but it was a pinch flat this time, not the thorn perforations he's suffered all year with. It took quite a while to change his tube with those evil Sun rims snapping or bending all three of his tyre levers. Time for damage, and who better to provide it but - you guessed - Ian F again. This time he'd landed slightly off to the left on the rough edge after the final jump on Section One, and clattered himself quite hard, and at decent speed aswell. He's back now all right! He didn't just pop some plasma, however, he popped a tube aswell, so that was puncture number two, and thankfully the last one. Once more the landing caused it, not penetration.

He blamed this one on his new-for-the-day riser bars, having removed the ridiculous XC racing flat bars from the GT i-Drive before we left home. Time for Golly to calm things down if possible by taking the front for the last two Black downhills. He arrived at the foot of the first with no-one behind him - oh, oh! You're not wrong - it's Ian again, this time higher up and witnessed by the others. Just can't slow him down. Right lads - one to go - can we get down HERE in one piece? Luckily, yes, and but for Keith stopping on the very last corner it would have been one continuous flow of bikes from top to bottom. Here's the ensuing mêlée.

There was only the Forest Drive and the final climb and Red descent left, but we'd only been on the road for a minute when the heavens opened. Gollum headed for the trees to wait while the heavy stuff passed over, he hoped. Luckily it was gone in five minutes so off we went again. Steve showed his total domination of the climbs today as he sprinted off up the hill to await the rest of us. We trickled in over the next few minutes and took another short rest to get wound up for the last blast.

There was some discussion about the viability of the timber stuff half way down, but before we left the top, and after a smashing, incident-free run it would indeed have been wrong to try and ride the now bare timbers after the wire netting was removed "for safety"! So we walked past the obstruction and resumed at the other side. Great finish but why did Steve bypass it and head down to the fireroad? I'll ask him some time!

Can't remember what time we got back to the van, but it wasn't late, just after 2:00pm I suspect. We loaded up and nipped along to Tower Knowe Visitor Centre for our tea and cake. Thanks Ian for the cuppa. We got home around 3:30pm and rinsed the mud off the bikes. Another amazingly short 9 miler, but there was a van full of sleepyheads on the way back!

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Keep watching and if you fancy a ride out with us, drop us a line here: bailout@midaircrisis.org.uk