Women are a strange lot, you know. I've just nipped into the kitchen to wash the oil off my hands where I found our glass chopping board in the sink with two dirty great gouges across it. Normally I wouldn't think twice, but I'm sure I bought this for her as a birthday present. Thing is, she has no diamonds that I know of, as I only ever bought her Costume Jewellery from the Quayside Market, so how on earth could the thing get scratched like that? Unless that bl@@dy milkman's been at it again.

Anyway, I digress. You just want to hear about the ride on this lovely March day, Sunday 16th 2008. Don't you?

Hope I didn't give the game away when I mentioned oily hands. I'll take it from the top. First to arrive bright and early, well before 7:00 am at Gollum's was Steve W. Atop his car was something we're not used to seeing. A Specialized. Now actually, we ARE used to seeing a Specialized atop Steve's car (boring you yet?) but not one with a spring on the back and Fox forks up front and Avid hydraulics. Yep, at last he's seen the light and got himself a man's bike instead of a hardtail, the thing you learn on when you're two and three quarters. This one's a very nice (Gollum, what are you saying?) 2008 Stumpjumper Comp, and I won't tell you what he paid for it in case Mrs Steve doesn't know. Here it is:

 

Now you only hear me saying something nice about a Specialized because, at last, they've3 put the shocker where all good shockers should be, or at least in one of the best places. Therefore I deduce they've stopped telling the World's Mountain Bikers that every other manufacturer had it wrong, in which case I now think they're OK. Just common as dogpile. Oh, and the price and weight now seem realistic.

Next arrival was Derek, again well on schedule and burning rubber up my quiet, sleeping street like a 17 year old Corsa driver, and then Jason, serene and smooth as always in the Sponsor's van. We removed all of the front wheels, loosened the handlebar stems, swivelled the bars sideways and managed to fit all four bikes in the back of the GollyMobile^® safely and even to Jason's satisfaction, he being ever watchful of possible damage to his Whyte E-5's oh-so-delicate carbon swingarm. English engineering at it's most fragile. Bit like a McLaren F1's steering arms - utter crap.

So at last we were ready, no sign of anyone else turning up come 7:10, so off we went, with Golly sneaking into the passenger seat and forcing Jason to either drive or walk. Off we bombed as Jay floored the throttle on the Secret Weapon and we were soon at Mach 2 as we hit the Wheatsheaf 400 metres away from our departure point. Once he'd got used to the obscene power of this Police-tweaked Ferrari in Peugeot clothing, however, he settled down and there followed a very nice drive out west through the Northumberland countryside that swathes the A69 as we listened to a table speaker on the entertainment centre.

Jay pulled into the garage at Warwick Bridge, just 2.8 miles short of the M6 at Carlisle, to take on water (for human hydration, not for the van's radiator) and after a short discussion on where would be the safest spot to stand his open coffee cup, off we went again. Only we didn't, I lied. Nowt happened. Jason spun the previously sprightly engine over on the key for ages and ages, but all to no avail. Zilch. Diddly. So we tried bump starting it. rolling down the hill towards the junction but it just wouldn't fire. We waited. When we got sick of waiting, Steve suggested we lift the bonnet and look knowledgeable. We settled for lifting the bonnet. After another few minutes Jason called for the AA Team, and they arrived within 15 minutes to diagnose a knackered glow plug relay, so that was that. 11:15 ish now.

Mr T was just about to call for the low loader to haul us back to Toonsville when he had a sparklingly bright idea. A few minutes and half a can of explosive spray later we were up and running, but turning for home with a 1-3 vote against Jay's suggestion to continue on to Kirroughtree. We got all the way back to Asda at Holystone where the thing finally expired with Gollum at the wheel. Jason was kind enough to trot back to the Cave for his van and tow the stricken NMBC transport back to base camp. We piled inside the Cave and got stuck into tea and cakes instead of pursuing a local ride. 12:15 pm. The ensuing Committee Meeting decreed that next Sunday's ride will be on natural terrain, so we're heading up the road to Thrunton, and even if the transport breaks down again it's within pedalling distance. Luckily, Keith G e-mailed last night to tell us he had little chance of meeting us at Kirroughtree as he was booked in for another dose of nuke radiation in some power station up north.

So, to sum up - Total Crap. Crap for Derek, Jason and Steve who were obviously reliant on Gollum's new transport, and Double Crap for the Gollum himself who'd spent many hours and many moneys first acquiring the van, getting it MoT'd, sorting the complicated insurance (coz it's an ex-Paddy Wagon), and  re-instating a sound system wrecked by the previous owner, Mr Plod. Our first trip failure in years and years of flying all over the place. Before we all finally dispersed, we emptied the van, rebuilt the bikes and set about weighing them. That's when we got quite a surprise when we discovered that Steve's new weapon, at 25lbs, was about a lb lighter than Jason's E-5, although the latter wouldn't believe it and put it down to a bottle of recently added Slime in the E-5's tyres. It's also about a grand lighter, which makes it even more standout! (it's OK Steve, she doesn't know how much an E-5 is).

Ah, before I forget - the oily hands. The single exception to the crap of the day - with nothing to do all afternoon and nobody home to interfere, the Gollum locked himself in his garage and didn't emerge until he'd manufactured a new set of rear suspension bearings for his lightweight full susser - the Mutha! So, after a lay-off of over 6 months the little beastie is once again ready for action, and will no doubt be first down the chute at Thrunton next weekend, if we can get there.

Here's the best of the day's action:- Steve extracts a member of Alcoholics Anonymous from the GollyMobile's Bonnet, as Derek looks on.

Keep watching and if you fancy a ride out with us, drop us a line here: bailout@midaircrisis.org.uk