PLEASE NOTE: As far as we know, no animals were hurt during the making of this ride. However, many vegetables were.

Sunday 16th September 2007 and the NMBC committee had decided it was time to unleash the new members into the wild. How many humps does a committee have? So it had been decreed by the Gollum as a good day to take the plunge and allow them to discover the joys of Northumberland as a change from their previous outings around The Toon area. Unfortunately Mother Nature (had to be a woman, didn't it) decided to make it a bad day, and it was raining and windy as the two carloads left the urban scrawl.

The adventures started before we got that far, however. Derek arrived at Terry's around 8.30 am. Taking both cars, with the trailer dangling from the GollyMobile^® and Derek's Specialized balanced precariously on the Volvo Truck's roof, the pair made their way to Wallsend to collect Brian, happily managing to find a free Sunday to join us after a long spell missing. So far, so good. These three then moved back up to Forest Hall to see who might be waiting there for a lift. Amazingly and totally unexpectedly there were cars all over the place, completely snuffing out Gollum's worry that there would be transport problems! After loading the bikes of Craig, Kay and Paul C onto the trailer and squeezing everyone into the first two cars, we toured through the middle of Forest Hall to collect Keith, who'd also offered a car for today if necessary. What a great set of bods we have here!

Still no problems, and we only had one pickup left to make. That was Ian F who was by now just getting off the train from Durham at Newcastle Central Station. So that's where we headed, and there was Ian outside the concourse with his bike, right on time. More about the bike shortly. Derek loaded Ian's Orange onto the spare roof slot atop the Truck, and the eight of us were ready for the off. It was about 10.30.

Derek led off back around to the Swan House roundabout, only to discover the Central Motorway north sliproad closed. Around we went again, but this time into the middle of the town, intending to join the CME at Manors roundabout. Arriving there, the road north was still closed! Into Shielfield to get around the blockage, we were again stopped in Sandyford where the traffic was stacked up for miles, so Derek did the logical thing and headed into town again past the Civic Centre. We seemed to sit there for ages waiting to escape from the Haymarket onto the Great North Road. Eventually we did, but when Derek indicated to turn up Grandstand Road, that sliproad was blocked aswell! Absolutely mind-boggling, all this, and it cost us best part of a whole hour, just to collect a lunatic from Durham who should have more sense than to carry his bike 20 miles on a train, to be carried 30 miles to a ride, and then to ride only 14 miles and have to do it all again in reverse! Got to be a record, that.

So eventually we made it out past the airport and trundled along with the Sunday drivers through Ponteland and way out west in the direction of Otterburn. Derek turned right off the A696 to get to Rothbury via Elsdon, but the Gollum decided there wouldn't be time now to do our planned ride between Alwinton and Ingram, so he flagged him down and after a short discussion between the two, it was decided to change the ride and do something from Byrness, 10 minutes up the road. So finally, we got onto the bikes at Blakehopeburnhaugh in steady drizzle to do something of a loop around Redesdale Forest, but it was already gone midday!

We took the bridleway into the edge of the forest leading us west behind the caravan site and taking us to the little bridge and the ford over and through the River Rede. This has been the scene of some joviality over the years, and today was to be no exception. Gollum, leading the troupe down the slope, out of the trees, and down to the river, decided there was more than just a few inches of water flowing through the ford. How do you combat that? By hitting it as hard as you can. So he hit it hard. Stupid little rock dweller. Half way across, with success in sight, shlooomph! Straight over the side of the bike into the middle of the river. Wot a twit. Got quite wet, he did, and tweaked the middle two claws on his right paw. For your information, the stones making up the base of this ford are absolutely green with all sorts of slimy algae and bear sh*t, squirrel sh*t, deer sh*t and maybe even human effluent from the forest upriver, making it a real trap for the unwary, and certain death for the wary show-off!

Everyone else either took it easy and got through safely, or used their superior intelligence and went over the bridge! Soon after, Derek had to fettle the bungee cord on Kay's rear carrier before we hit the nasty 696 for a mile to our turn-off uphill to Harry's Pike. This is a long, steady drag up into the trees again and half way up there it was walkies for Kay and the Gollum, but it is an 800 foot climb up to the top at Greyhound Law on the Scottish Border. We reached the top of this loop at The Hearts Toe and that's where, on the superfast but dodgy downhill dual track, we spied a fairly large herd of the famous Cheviot Wild Goats. They were right in the middle of the track as we began our descent, and turned to run down ahead of us as we sped towards them, until they tired and jumped off into the undergrowth.

That's when Golly decided his new camera might just get him a better picture than his last visit here produced, so he stopped to take 3 or 4 hopeful shots. Remounting a few minutes later, the rest of the party had disappeared over the horizon, so his big chainring got a right hammering from this point down. But not very far, as what did he come across, stooping over his bike in a dip  - Paul! Oh, no, not another crash? Not another burst kneecap? Gollum drew up to Paul hoping not to see any blood. Fortunately he didn't - a punctured front was the cause of Paul's stoppage. So the pair got down to a re-pair of the Slime filled tube. At first guess it was going to be rock damage, because the flints all the way down this trail are evil chunks with very sharp edges. However, after digging the tube out, Paul discovered a dirty great thorn in his tyre! Gollum persisted with the Slime tube, pumping it up hard, and sure enough, a pinhead of green gunge appeared on it's surface and solidified, just as designed! It's magic stuff when it works, but it does have trouble when the thorn is still poking into the tube. Anyway, we were back up and running after 5 minutes and half a mile further on we spotted Brian at the side of the trail. He was waiting there to get us down to Spithope Bothy, where the others were by now probably finishing their lunch!

From left - Craig, Brian, Kay, Keith, Paul, Ian and Derek

What a neat little hovel this is - just what you need when it's hoying down outside. We all squeezed in and devoured our goodies, while Ian entertained us all with some readings from the Bothy Diary. Can't disclose the contents online, sorry! We got a great laugh out of it though, and managed to embellish each tale with our own daft comments. You really should have been there with us. Somewhere up here, on a short section of rooty, tricky singletrack, the Gollum again managed to entertain the troops with another sideways get-off onto his back in the shrubbery. What a tosser. Two fingers on each hand hurting now!

This trail led us onto the little road down to the caravan site. We turned right on the A696, to get us back to the bridge and ford for an early finish to the ride. This time Gollum got revenge on the p*ss-taking Derek  as he just managed to stay upright through the ford, as indeed everyone else did, with no-one using the bridge this time. Derek, however, DID flip himself off into the water, so it was now Derek 2, Gollum 1, and a bit of justice done, as well as another good laugh to end the ride with. We got back to the cars around 4.00pm (to be confirmed, I can't remember!) and most of the party were able to change into dry gear for the return trip home.

Although I did this at the end of the ride, I would like to apologise again to everyone for failing to do the advertised ride, but it would have cost us too much time after such a difficult start. We'll get there some time soon. And well done to everyone for not moaning and just getting on with it, although I suspect it came very easily to Brian, Craig, Keith and Ian who can eat this sort of ride for breakfast, and probably with two Shredded Wheat!

photographic evidence coming soon...

Gollum's bike PC said 13.90 miles, 57 minutes rolling time (eh?), 7.1 mph average, 33.1 mph max.

 

Keep watching and if you fancy a ride out with us, drop us a line here: bailout@midaircrisis.org.uk