I'm sore. Very sore. The pain is deep inside the Gollum's Guts. No, I didn't fall off this Sunday, for once. But it was the ride that did the damage. Every ride has it's memorable moments, this being no exception. The extreme, intense pain keeping me doubled up over the keyboard as I type this is down to two things. here they are:

On your left - Craig, and on your right - Brian. Between them they turned this into one of the most memorable rides I've ever had the privilege to be part of. Hold on a minute while I get another painkilling injection... IF YOU HAVE A DECENT BROADBAND CONNECTION try clicking on the two jesters above WITH YOUR SOUND UP.

Confucius say

Sunday 20th January saw a pretty wet morning waiting for the early birds. Our pet Gollum had managed to confuse almost everyone, but mainly himself, by not posting a start time on this here site until close to midnight on Saturday! That meant a mixture of early starters and later ones, resulting in a bit of a late getaway.

Steve B was first on the scene for an 8.00 shot, followed closely by Brian and Craig. They soon got tired of hanging around and left the Cave for Belford at 8.20am. Steve and Golly decided to allow more time for the mess to sort itself out. While they waited, Gollum succeeded in reaching Derek and although he wasn't physically ready for this ride, he generously agreed to join us, thank goodness, as the Gollum was never going to remember every twist and turn of this route by himself as he last rode it more than four minutes ago.

After waiting around Holystone until 9.00am, Steve and Gollum drove slowly along the road to meet Terry H coming the other way and tell him the plan. He took off in a northerly direction to catch Brian and Craig while the other two headed for Cramlington to collect first John and then Derek. At last we were off, just hoping no-one had been left behind after the apparent balls-up.

We started the ride at 10.20 am in the dead heart of Belford, with a dodgy grey sky overhead and wet roads underneath. The farm road we hit took us out of the village to the north, and it wasn't long before the tyres began to clog with squelchy Northumbrian mud as we hit the bridleways that would take us out onto St Cuthbert's Way.

Arriving at the first bunch of forestry we were confronted by the fabulous Cheviot peaks in the background, a sight appreciated by all fifteen eyes peering towards them (Craig was relieving himself already). We rode on through the tricky, soggy, root-covered singletrack before being deposited on the dual which offers a slight downward slope as far as St Cuthbert's Cave. Here's a nice pic of Craig's art-deco pedals in shocking pink, to match his eyes. Notice also Gollum's makeshift socks in the shape of a couple of Sainsbury's carrier bags - and they are now highly recommended by  the Gollum for wet rides, although he claimed the 15 denier Asda variety was kinder to his skin. We hadn't moved much further than this when the dastardly Hawthorn bushes began to affect the ride as only they can. Victim Number One being none other than Craig, and so it should be, coming out in broad daylight with pedals like that. Notice Terry has his car keys out, ready to go straight back home if we met one more hawthorn bush! Helpful Golly offered to take a spell at the pumps - this is the result! But what a tiny weapon Craig has, don't you think?

The Cheviots provide that famous Northumbrian backdrop

cave dwellers

After opening and closing 10 or 20 gates and climbing a few fences we arrived at the cave, not Gollum's, but St Cuthbert's. At the Cave we stopped for 5 or 10 minutes discussing our County's fine history and the wooden crosses some Pagan ritualists had left behind after making their human sacrifice in the smaller of the cave's two cavities just days ago. It's that Red Bull stuff. There was also a discussion of the best way down the right side of the boulders forming the cave for the return journey.

 

 

Here's Terry H working out for the Wild Boar 24 Hour race

And here he uses the oldest form of personal communication while John uses the latest. Only difference is that John doesn't have a prayer if that's another teenage drama from home he's listening to!

John weighs up the safer options to get down, while Craig and Terry must be planning a sky-diving descent!

Onward we float, with dung-filled eyes, towards Holy Island

Specialist Stump Dumper!

Very soon after that it was time for Craig to become the day's first faller when he dumped himself of the Stumpy sideways after sliding up the muddy edge of the singletrack on a tight turn.

 

We continued on St Cuthbert's Way through Detchant, Shiellow and Old Woods on the forest fireroads which deposited us at Fenwick on the A1. Crossing there onto another stretch of tarmac took us down towards the railway, and unfortunately a rich and very recent harvest of hawthorn cuttings. Farmers - luv 'em. This stretch really took it's toll, with Brian, Steve and Terry all having multiple thorn intrusions which meant a protracted spell here while they set about repairing the damage. Brian used this handy MTBer's AA phone to prepare his wife for an early pickup  And, in preparation for the forthcoming 24 Hour and Marathon Race season, it's synchronised puncture mending

Brian's so fed up he decides to end it all at the hands of a 125mph Virgin 

But we saved him just before she appeared and continued to the Causeway, although yet another puncture forced him to walk the final 200 metres. Once we got there, poor Brian continued to try and seal all the holes in his inner tubes while the rest of the squad unsympathetically got themselves comfortable for a nice lunch break.

You saw it here first - REAL mountain biker food, John-style!

Derek shows Brian that water can be used instead of air - Old School puncture fettling.

How many MidAirCrisis men does it take to...

You would be cheesed off aswell after the day Brian was having. I made it 11 group punctures up to this point on the ride. It was so bad Derek began plotting a safer route back hoping to avoid a repeat on the return leg. That took us along the high water line between the old coastal defences. All was well, but the track was a bit damp and at one particular point, potentially treacherous, and there was trouble looming for one of the clan...

pond life

See these bubbles? Nah, surely not, but wait a sec - maybe someone's in bother - 

Yep, you're right... and it sure looks like a red Stumpy, very similar to Craig's!

And here's the indisputable, absolute, unequivocal photographic evidence that Nessie isn't the UK's only underwater monster

No, that's not a put up job, it's absolutely genuine and we were very lucky to catch the action as Fabled Fisherman Craig took this golden opportunity to do a bit of freshwater baiting on his way past this here pool. Trouble was, this was owt but fresh water, and the pong Craig emitted for the rest of the ride was unbearable as we all stayed well downwind of him back to Belford. The poor lad was done from his ankles to his neck, but managed to keep his face out of it somehow. We all expected him to relapse into cold shock as it was only 4 degrees and the water was sub-zero. It was noticeable how everyone took one step back just in case he needed resuscitation. Who needs mates?

Oi! You're not laughin at me, are you Steve? Nah, course not Craig (much)

Here's a sequence shot, just for the records, you understand! Craig, movie star

Off we went again, happily cycling the highways and byways. But not for long as Brian is determined to re-take the limelight from his buddy with Personal Puncture number 6! And doesn't he look pleased about that.

No matter, we got it away again and set off for the largely uneventful return journey. Except that on the long pull up to the A1, and just after a deer had jumped the road just yards in front of us, Craig complained about his rear brake not working. On closer inspection it was noticed that the disc rotor was shaped like a figure 8! With Craig pulling and Gollum pushing we managed to get it semi-straight, or at least running between the pads, and off we trolled to rejoin the others up the road.

Again Derek took us around the outside of the trouble spots on narrow tarmac until we rejoined the trees at Detchant Park, hopefully missing any more thorn droppings. Once more we dragged ourselves over to the Cave where the previous plan to skirt it rather than risk the slimy, steep descent went out the window and all but Derek ended up either bombing down it, slithering down it or walking down it. No casualties, somehow. From there it was plain, if slightly slippery sailing to Belford. Except we're not very good sailors, it seems! And a mile from home, it was Steve's turn to take the last biscuit as he suffered puncture number 12, all in the name of Sheer Enjoyment. Having run out of tubes and patches, a quick rummage through all the backpacks revealed Gollum's spare tube. Bollocks! I was hanging onto that one, tubeless system (smart arse) on the Barracuda or not!

Poor Steve, shattered but no doubt glad this one wasn't in focus on the way back home!

John's bike PC had about 21 miles on it, felt more like 51 to me. Fantastic ride, partly due to the entertainment factor (we hardly ever fail), partly to the super weather after a dodgy-looking start, partly due to the magnificent views of God's Country and finally, partly due to a sight for sore eyes, he's back: And believe it or not I've forgotten about 50 percent of the laughs we had, all worthy of mention but not by me as my brain cell is now empty.

Recommendations

Derek uses Specialized Armadillo's, John uses Slime Gollum uses Stan's No-Tubes Everybody else got punctures, but they were pretty hard to avoid today!

 

Keep watching and if you fancy a ride out with us, drop us a line here: bailout@midaircrisis.org.uk