If we thought last Sunday was Puncture Proliferation Day, we were only half right, as the theme continued today. Out for a ramble on Sunday 27th January 2008 were Derek, Jason, John, Steve B, Steve W, Terry H and Terry the Gollum. The wind was supposed to have subsided, from it's storm state of the day before, but here it was back again as we left Tyneside for Druridge Bay, arriving at around 10:00am. We got away from the cars in an absolutely howling gale at 10.25. Derek and Jason were lucky enough, in a twisted sort of way, to be riding fully rigid singlespeed bikes giving them a definite weight and wind-proofing advantage. They just got through a few more pedal RPMs than the rest of us.

Straight up the Coastal Path northwards, we floated along the first stretch until it was time to start turning sideways or into the wind, which began to tell on the party as a whole, but the Gollum in particular who has always rated wind as the only thing that would ever stop him riding. Today could have been that day but not quite, although he was on his own heaviest bike, the soon-to-be-retired and hugely pi$$-taken Barracuda.

We heaved the bikes through Hauxley to Amble, regrouping once or twice, where we stopped outside the Chippy at the harbour for a rest and for Jason to picture his pretty little singlespeed against the backdrop of the Marina. Wow, two cameras out today - and he usually gets some impressive shots, so you'll see them when I do. Leaving the town centre Derek led us out past the boatyards and the Clubhouse and over the field to the Warkworth road. Once more the party had to stop to allow the Gollum to catch up, and as soon as he did the whole six of them just vanished again up the hill into the historic town. He was so far behind that, just as he reached the Castle he ran into Derek and Steve B who'd turned back to rescue him! Cheers, fellas.

We had another short rest here before scooting out onto the main road, and crossing the bridge over the Coquet, where Golly ordered - OK, asked nicely - if they would stop on the bridge while he took another photo. Then it was Climb Time back up to the Coastal path bridleway but this was pretty easy with a 40mph gale at your back. We were now taken out onto the yellow gravel bridle path to Alnmouth, and the worries began to set in as we found ourselves riding over a whole field edge worth of hawthorn cuttings. There wasn't a problem until we neared the bridge on the edge of the town at the end of the yellow strip, when Steve B declared himself stricken with two punctures - one front, one rear. Oh, heck. Frantic activity as we all buzzed around with various tools and inflators to help out, and that's when Derek produced his Secret Weapon.

We'd seen this before about a year ago but he doesn't always carry it. It looks like a teenie's handbag, but it's actually a hand-driven pump. No, I'm not trying to be rude. Here it is in action 2MB vid (soon!). The big hand had just clicked onto 15 and the little hand to 12 when an eerie calm descended. That crazy wind that threatened to ruin our day had just been switched off, like magic. Maybe Somebody Up There decided "enough's enough" and was gonna leave us in peace now. Off we went up to the edge of the town, following Derek left onto the Longhoughton road before he ushered us off onto a grassy bridleway. This took us back to the coast, onto the top of the golf course, on it's high, inner edge, where we had to get over a large stile and Steve B found a toy to play with.

Next bit of excitement was provided by the drop back down to the beach. Derek walked his Cannondale down the greasy, steep slope carefully and sensibly, and Steve B somehow stayed almost upright all the way down. He was followed by a pair of Terrys who managed to throw themselves off at the same spot, a wooden step edge, and end up in the brambles. The remaining more sensible ones behind walked it. Picture, as usual, doesn't do the steepness any justice.

Arriving at the beach we decided to make this a an early lunch stop, only because Craster was still some way off and time was getting on. Then, as if to prove Someone Up There really was being a total t~@t, both Steves found their tyres flat again! So it turned into an extended break as we watched them washing the mud off their tyres in beach pools before they could start tracing the holes. It was noticeable how the roadside assistance squad stayed seated this time, until guilt got finally them up to share the pumping duties.

We continued over the kilometre stretch of hard, wide, flat and immaculate Northumbrian sand to the stone steps that took us back up to the road into Boulmer, and it was seven-in-a-line until we got through the village and onto the dunes bridle path, the two Terry's at the back trying to pick out a nice retirement cottage each. It was sunny now and really extremely pleasant without the howling gale, and amazing for a late January day.

We sped up the path with the North Sea on our starboard bow and the crazy Westerlys blasting into our port side. The single decent climb between our starting point and Craster is thin sandy singletrack beyond the caravan park at , and that sorted the bikers from the Gollum's, no problem, with the squad having to wait about 5 minutes for him to catch them at the crest. That's where poor Derek lost his sunglasses, as he was as knackered as Golly with his base level fitness gone after his long lay-off and there was no-one behind to spot them.

When we reached the gateway arch over the road into Craster the Gollum requested a halt for some pictures. This activity took somewhat longer than expected as just as we had everyone lined up under the arch a car would appear from either east or west and we'd have to clear away and try again. That was until one kind motorist actually stopped and flashed us to continue the photo shoot - thank you, stranger. Just a fast descent remained now to the comfort and warmth of the pub's back garden terrace.

We were there about half an hour for lunch number two, and were ready to leave when Jason decided it was time to lay scorn on the Gollum for the state of the Barracuda's rear suspension joints, which  to be fair are a wee bit slack. After the rest had taken their turns at scoffing, and grabbed their bikes to leave, the inevitable happened - puncture! This time it was Jason's turn to suffer, serves him right for taking the p@$$ out of Golly's bike, and he proceeded to put on a great demo of how to repair a flat for NMBC and the public gallery inside the hotel, who all had their noses glued to the windows during the whole show. Never heard so much muffled giggling in my life.

Once the fix was finally completed, we were off again, and strangely it was Gollum who sprinted away at the front and burst up the hill through the Arch back up to the coast road where he had a chance to get his breath back before the last man landed. Derek kept us on quiet tarmac as much as possible to get us past the dodgy thorn spots, but almost as soon as we took to the bridleways again it was Terry's turn for another miserable episode. Lost count of the punctures at this point, but Terry had already made up his mind to try something new after this ride.

Back beyond Boulmer we couldn't get onto the beach as the tide had started creeping in, so there was more tarmac almost all of the way back to Alnmouth. We were soon on the yellow bridleway again starting at the west end of the bridge.

Anyway, there we were, all seven of us pedalling away merrily once the Gollum had managed to reach the top of the gentle slope up to the A1068 with Steve W riding alongside also feeling the aches in his legs a wee bit. As the path flattened out alongside the road into Warkworth our speed increased gently at first, then a bit more and... We were riding in pairs, roughly, with the Several Steves at the rear, Twin Terrys a few metres ahead of them, John on his own mid-track another few metres on, and the Silly Singlespeeders (Derek and Jason) keeping the beat up front. These two had just about plateaud at around 17 to 20mph, fast enough to keep the chill off their knees, when John had a brainstorm and decided it was time to split them.

Now historically, Jason and John have ALWAYS carried out this same manoeuvre on each other whenever they've ridden together, whether taking part in Cycle Speedway matches or during their more recent 5 or 6 years of Real Biking on these here Mountain Bikes. Today was just another such scenario. The Coastal Bridleway here is a tarmac base with a small bodied, yellow gravel loose top surface. It's comfortably wide enough for two bikes side-by-side, and do-able by three if concentrating on their forward direction. On this occasion we had Derek and Jason riding about half a metre apart, both fairly close to the path edges.

Script runs something like this:

    John seems a bit frustrated with no-one to talk to
    He decides to muscle in on the front runner's conversation
    He increases his speed to about 25 mph
    He slots himself into the steady half-metre gap between Derek and Jason
    All three take fright at the unexpected proximity of 3 pairs of handlebars, pretty much madness on this              piece of bridleway with hawthorns to the right and barbed wire to the left
    Derek moves slightly to his left, away from the other two
    Jason continues pedalling but sees John flash into his nearside vision
    John smacks Jason's handlebars with his own
    SPLAT! It's all gone avocado shaped
    Derek rides onto the left side grass verge and stops 10 metres up the road safely
    Jason hits the deck where Derek was milliseconds earlier, landing on his side with his bike on top
    John hits the deck more or less centrally, lands on his face and his chin digs a groove in the gravel as he slides 5 metres on it
    Terry H slams everything on and manages to avoid splitting Jason analy with his front wheel
    Golly suddenly finds a launch ramp under his front wheel in the shape of John's Kona Kikapu and is catapulted skywards but stays upright and stops safely, but trembling fiercely
    Jason and John both lie still in case they've done anything nasty to their vertebrae
    Derek walks back from his parked-up bike to see what the all the fuss is about (must get rid of that iPod)
    Terry H asks John why he's eating gravel, and is that a piece up his hooter
    Gollum asks Jason and John "are you alright?" (stupid old bastard) as they shed tears and spit blood
    Terry K gets the camera out and starts snapping regardless of the bloodshed
    Jay gets to his feet and starts swinging his left arm around to see if it's still attached
    The Steves hide their faces as they can't subdue their giggles having seen all this lunacy unfold in front of them
    Jay asks John if that's a permanent piece of gravel up his hooter
    John finally raises himself and begins to inspect the damage to his knees
    Gollum points out some unnoticed damage a bit nearer Johnny's groin but doesn't touch it
    The five who weren't involved turn away and emit massive howls of maniacal laughter
    Steve W does his Doctor bit for Johnny and we tell him to stop snivelling and get back on his bike
    The ride continues in silence for a short while
    Everyone behind John starts pointing at him and making snide remarks
    John calls Derek and Jason "stupid" for closing the gap
    John swears there was a gap and he was in it, territory claimed, end of
    Jason shakes his head in disbelief
    The conversation starts up again but we're all whispering so John can't hear us
    We hit Warkworth on the main road, single file like Good Ol' Boys and there's a hill to climb so thoughts turn back to the job in hand rather than the events of the past 15 minutes

End of Script

Gollum suddenly burst forward with a new lease of life and sprinted up the hill to the Castle, round the next left and right handers and left again back down on the Amble road with the rest in pursuit, now strung out a little. We stopped to regroup just north of the Marina to see if Derek wanted to keep us on the road but he steered us into the filed and past the Clubhouse again. The few at the front were just clearing the boatyard to enter the town when the call went up yet again - puncture for Terry! It got him as far as the Chippy where we decided to gorge ourselves, chips always make you feel better! Cheers to Steve B for his generosity.

Outside, while Golly and Steve were in the shop, John had Jason acting as an outdoor shower with his Camelbak held aloft while Johnny bathed his wounds in the street. Lovely job. Terry finished his puncture fix, the chips were digested, Jason pulled John's trousers back up and we were off again before anyone could be arrested.

There was a bit more tarmac on the way back, deliberately chosen to avoid more punctures than were absolutely necessary, but once we'd hit the Coastal Path again, unbelievably, terry was struck down once more, and it was - you guessed - yet another thorn doing the damage. Still, we were almost home with just a couple or three miles left. Miraculously we made it on puffed-up tyres, and yet the job wasn't done. Both Terry and Steve B discovered another puncture each when they got home!

Incidentally, Terry lives in Thorntree Cottage and Steve lives in Prickly Villa. Distance on John's bike PC was around 33 miles, but that won't include the few upside down metres it travelled.

Puncture count up to 15 I think. Derek escaped as did John and Golly.

and finally, the vidz:-

Steves Bell 1MB, The Pumpers 3MB, Jay's Thorn 4MB, JayPatch1  7MB, JayPatch2 5MB

Keep watching and if you fancy a ride out with us, drop us a line here: bailout@midaircrisis.org.uk