Sunday 28th October 2007 brought with it a reasonable morning as the start of the ride drew nearer. With the onslaught of winter not far away, it's always interesting to see who can be bothered to unhinge themselves from a good lie-in or early morning telly to go through the possible agony of following a deranged Gollum for a few mystery miles on two wheels. This time the culprits were Brian, Derek, John, Paul C, and once again we had the pleasure of Speedian's company, although he was on a half shift.

The Country Park at Ovingham was our ultimate goal today, over 20 miles upriver from Golly's Cave, so although there was a flat, and hence easy ride in prospect, there was plenty of distance to cover. We set off about 9.15 or thereabouts, dropping straight into the Rising Sun Country Park - hey, it's the Country Parks Ride! WE cruised merrily down to Battle Hill on the Waggonways and crossed beneath the A1058 Coast Road into Wallsend Country Park (OK, I jest, Wallsend Dene). A quick vote was taken as to which route to use down to the Tyne, and to Gollum's surprise, the squad went for "tricky". They must have enjoyed it last time in the dark after all!

There was a Gollum down the initial dodgy steps first with Derek second in line. Golly switched straight into Race Mode as soon as both wheels touched down, and didn't pause or look back until the next kilometre had been rapidly dispatched. Quickly unearthing the GollyCam^® he turned to catch the emerging troupe behind emerging from the bushes. But no-one appeared! He waited a good minute or more, poised with camera - still nobody coming. So he began to ride back along the trail, just in case. And just as he did, the mob arrived all together. Derek demanded that Gollum produce a pair of tweezers. "Eh, what for?" came the surprised retort. "For me hand, stupid!" came back Derek. And that's when Golly noticed Derek's mits - he was riding bare-handed. "How come no gloves then Sonny?". "Left them in the car, didn't I?". "Stupid git". Anyway, as luck would have it, we had Speedy with us today, and his cavernous backpack contains everything required for on-trail surgery, so the spelks were duly unpicked, or at least the worst of them.

There's a moral to this tale - "If you ride with pricks, expect the odd prickle"

And if you hadn't guessed by now - it was Derek who'd performed the old FlyingW over the bars, right at the start of the trail.

Ha-ha! Bet you didn't know MidAirCrisis was also flyingw.co.uk, did you? One of Gollum's best-kept secrets.

After D had recovered his composure and we'd slagged him off a little for not wearing gloves, and for falling off in broad daylight after he mowed along here last Thursday night, we were off again down the mighty Burn Steps to - the Burn. This time we didn't head for the Pedestrian Tunnel, however, as we were staying on the English side of the Tyne until we reached the Millennium Bridge. So we rode up to The Green, then along Coronation Street to the High Street, and down Park Road to the Cycleway. We'd only been on it a few minutes and had reached Low Walker when Gollum, deep in conversation with Ian behind the others, managed to ride straight over a broken upturned bottle bottom, just a short while after commenting how clean the trail was! The double pop and double fuzz meant a double puncture - one in each wheel. Unbelievable. But no big deal, as Golly had been mouthing off as usual about not having to worry about punctures any more. Because today he was back on his DDG Mutha with Crossmax wheels and Stan's No-Tubes liquid. So the tyres would just re-seal themselves. Well, they both tried. But these weren't just pinholes, they were gashes 6 mm wide in each tyre.

After a bit of persuasion, the front did fix itself by ensuring the latex was lying at the point of the tear. The rear, however, stubbornly refused. After what seemed like ages, coz it was, Gollum gave in and started to strip the tyre off to stick a tube in. How embarrassing! Taking the tyre off, however, revealed the total absence of tyre milk - no wonder it wouldn't seal! You are actually supposed to check this at regular intervals, but because the Gollum has recently been using his Kona CoilAir and the new Decathlon RockRider, the DDG had been somewhat neglected. Not that he would have checked this anyway, lazy little bu@@er. So in went his ever-present spare tube and off we went.

It had taken so long to mend the tyres that it was approaching Ian's deadline, so he left us short of the Quayside around 10.45 to return home. That left five of us to continue the journey, so we scuttled up to the bridge and crossed to the Dark Side, leaving England behind us. Homesickness set in for Golly half way across the Millennium Bridge, and he must have subconsciously contrived to get back up  North asap. The result of this was a mad dash almost all the way up the Keelman's Way through the Teams, Dunston and Swallwell. We stayed on the bike trail behind the Metro Centre and through Addison Industrial Estate where we were all knackered and stopped for a short rest on the bonny banks of the Tyne (not really, not here, but it's better than it used to be).

After a short crawl up the bank to Ryton, we sought out my old mate Dave R's fast little ribbon of woodland singletrack back down into the Industrial Estate, then Derek took over at the front for the very pleasant trip up the riverside singletrack to Newburn Bridge, and beyond. The western section runs between Ryton Golf Club and the river, and the banks are pretty from here on up. Some of the gofers weren't too pleased to see us as they putt-putted along near the edge of the path. Up Yours, snotties. Gollum was actually left behind here, as it looked like Derek was taking revenge for the previous pace, but they were kind enough to wait just short of Wylam Station.

A hundred metres further on, John and Golly ran into conflict with the locals. Currently the bridge is closed to traffic, but you can walk across it. That's exactly what these two were doing, but the others, fifty paces ahead, had ridden over the thing. As normal, pedestrianites coming the other way took exception to this, but it was J & G who got the backwash from it! However, we were also praised by two ladies for dismounting and pushing over, so a happy ending.

We gathered in the car park for a recharge in the sunshine, where jackets were heaved off and stashed in backpacks. Brian and Paul wanted to know how much further, so we enjoyed a bit of wild speculation on that as John and Paul pointed out that we'd already covered a considerable mileage and weren't quite at the half way point. "Just up here a bit more...". Just past the old railway bridge at Hagg Bank we ran into another unfriendly. He was stood with his dog by the side of the, er, footpath down by the riverside as we all zoomed past, but Gollum did manage to get a sociable response from him by saying "good morning" as the end of his handlebars unzipped the old gent's waistcoat on the way past.

We sped on through Hagg Farm and a mile further on we were sitting in the sun again at Ovingham Country Park - destination reached, 22 miles on the clocks. Or at least Gollum was sitting in the sun, with his back against the Tourist Cabin. The others were sat on the low wall opposite, and that's how they managed to avoid the next obstruction. This came in the form of a very nicely spoken old Gentleman and his two female colleagues, out for a two-wheeled tour on this marvellous afternoon. "I say old chap, yes, you down there with the bumpy head" he slurred at Gollum, trying to eat his dinner. Looking up, Golly saw the bloke on a Giant hardtail, one of their cheap commuter range. "Do you have such a thing as an inflator?" he enquired. "Nah, but I've got a pump" retorted Golly. "Would you be so kind as to check my rear tyre, my good man, there's a good chap?". "Certainly Squire", replied the Gollum, somewhat eager to get another bite of crunchy bar into his aching, empty little pot belly.

The others were staring across intently, with all sorts of humorous quips being emitted as they happily stuffed their faces. Strangely enough Golly had just been altering the end of his pumper to cope with Presta valves, as he didn't know it could, so it was in his hand when this geezer must have noticed it. Push, pull, push, pull. His little elastic arms were going at it madly to try and get some air into the blokes back tyre. Eventually, sweating, eyes bulging like a pair of demented space hoppers, and heart bursting out of his tight, sheer, sensual and very fetching NMBC shirt he proclaimed the tyre was hard. "Oh, great, thank you. Do you think you could take a look at the front aswell please?". By now, the gang was in hysterics, as they all knew Gollum was incapable of more that 30 puffs a day. I might rewrite that line.

Push, pull, p... you know the score. "There you are Sir, all done!" proclaimed the wizened little creature, desperately trying to get his breath back from almost the point of total lung collapse. "Oh thanks, you've saved my bacon, good man". "No problem, have a nice ride back". Golly reached to the ground for the last bite when a little bird chirped "I don't suppose you could check my rear aswell, could you please?". Female colleague number one, it seemed, had the same problem. Looking up at the voice, Golly's physical state was suddenly forgotten, as he was more than willing to check out here rear. Tyre. A very pleasant female, and her perfume smelt delicious  so how could he refuse?

Push, pul... oh, this one hurt. But it didn't hurt the NMBC Committee, sat there in tears watching the physical disintegration of their soaking, smelly little member. I might rewrite that line. She thanked the Gollum very nicely, then proceeded to ask if he and the other snivelling bast@rds would like to call in at the boozer at Newburn on their way back for light refreshment, on her. I might rewrite that line.

At last, the poor little mite could finish his lunch and begin to fantasise about what just happened, and that lovely little face. And her rear. Tyre. But that was making him pant even more, and the others wouldn't let up on their pi$$taking so he was having a real hard time. I might rewrite that line.

Looking up, he noticed the others were now on their feet, strapping on their helmets and getting ready for the off. Rotten bu@@ers. Nothing lies in your guts like a banana, and you should never jump on a bike immediately after consuming one. But what choice did he have? None. So off we went in the opposite direction, the chat turning to free refreshments at Newburn. And other rude stuff. It was a pretty straightforward run for home, with Derek again keeping the pace relatively high at the front. This time we stayed on the north side of the river at Wylam, and rode down through Newburn Country Park - hope you're keeping count of them! It was pretty bust down there and easy to hit a ped, but I think we got through unscathed.

We got a little snarled up in Scotswood as Golly led the wrong way again into the Leisure Centre, but we were soon zooming along the relatively immaculate bridleway that follows Scotswood Road as far as the Business Park. That's where Paul took his leave, taking a shortcut through Cruddas Park (haven't heard from him since, so don't know if the Kalashnikov mob got him) to get him to South Gosforth quicker. That left Brian, Derek, John and Golly to drop onto the riverside at the Biz Park, past that infamous bus shelter that did for the Gollum a few years ago. We noticed that the sticky-out bit that broke Gollum's right shoulder and turned him turtle had been moved to the inside, instead of sticking out dangerously as it had been. It was along here, as we rode over the fishing lines and pushed a few unwary anglers over the railings, that Brian started moaning about his legs again. Well, it was turning into a bit of a marathon!

We hit the Quayside at just the wrong time, with the new extended market in full swing, all the way from the Swing Bridge to the Millennium Bridge and absolutely heaving. We had to drag Derek out of the crowds before he mowed someone down, but he was looking for females with flat rears to inflate and reluctant to join us on the quieter side of the promenade. We got back onto Hadrian's Way at British Engines and retraced our steps eastwards through Walker. When we reached the Wallsend/Howdon border Brian carried out his threat to ride straight home, only a mile away, rather than come back to Golly's to pick up his van. He got his wife to drop him off for it later in the afternoon. Derek, John and Golly rode up through Rosehill to the Coast Road, into Battle Hill and back up through the Rising Sun to their cars at Gollum's.

Another very enjoyable ride, plenty of exercise on this one, a good laugh at Gollum's expense (again!) but no casualties. John's bike PC said 42 miles.  Here's the photo album.

Keep watching and if you fancy a ride out with us, drop us a line here: bailout@midaircrisis.org.uk