Oh, the Joys of Spring! Or maybe not yet.

Above: from left - Ian A, Cyclops, Jason K and Steve W (or 3 Stumpies and a Bumpy)

Sunday 6th April dawned with a lovely blue sky and sunshine, and a gentle breeze just making the trees opposite Gollum's Cave sway gently from side to side. All was calm. Then Jason arrived. He actually became the first person to arrive twice for the same ride. First time, at 8.45am, he realised he hadn't brought the chain for his singlespeed. No, he wasn't taking weight-saving to the ultimate conclusion, he'd just forgotten to bring it after a bout of maintenance at home. So off he went back to Howdon to collect it.

Meantime, the Stumpjumper Steves arrived. Just after that, the Speedian landed, very unexpectedly but luckily for us as he was to provide some of the day's entertainment later. When Jay got back we set about knitting his chain together with a bodge-up, as none of us happened to be carrying links suitable for a single speed setup.

We got away at 9.20am out the back into the Rising Sun. After a high-speed blast through the strangely visible (normally a night run, this) Wood, we emerged onto the bridleway below The Hill. Jason blitzed the summit so we followed him up there with the idea of heading west from the top to get up to the Edinburgh Cycle Co-op for a proper link. Unfortunately, he popped straight off the high point in the opposite direction! Steve B volunteered to chase him down and get him back on track, and the pair met the other three of us on the right side of the slopes. We took our regular run over by NUFC's Training Ground at Benton and down to the Powder Monkey. Approaching Coach Lane, however, Golly took a first-time diversion onto the bridleway down to Wills' Factory, just for a change. We then went down Benfield Road turning right at the railway bridge onto the Toon cycle route. That got us up to the Edinburgh shop about 15 minutes later, but surprise, surprise, they didn't have a link for Jay.

We freewheeled down Shields Road behind Steve W, ignoring those silly red traffic light thingiebobs until he got us to Byker Bridge. That's where he took us to the bike recycling warehouse he uses while at work, and at last we found a suitable object to fit the singlespeeder's chain. After a chat to the three lads running the place, and another session of deprecation of "foreign" bikes by Jay, we were off up to Heaton Park. Once again Gollum managed to spot a new piece of trail, and after a short false start into a dead end, we got on it for a blast. That was short-lived, however, as it ran us straight into the foundations of Armstrong Bridge.

We dragged the bikes up to the road beneath it and climbed up to the edge of Jesmond, launching down the path to Fisherman's Lodge. And yet another small chunk of never-before-ridden singletrack got us past a few pedestrians before resuming on the sections we normally reserve for Thursday night rides. Strange being able to see what you always run into in the dark. When we cleared the Dene, where was Ian? Some way back, he was, but not because of the bike, he just hadn't persuaded his legs to start working yet!

We crossed the roundabouts at South Gosforth through the melee of workmens' trucks and machinery, busily digging up the road ready for the Ministry traffic in the morning. After rounding the bend at Longbenton Estate, Gollum asked Jason, out in front, if he could see a trail running off into Bluebell Woods. He remembered playing in there on his bike as a kid in the fifties and sure enough, there was indeed a ribbon of bare ground shooting off into the trees. We shot off after it and what a lovely little treat this is to add to our tally of new stuff. We're surely going to try this in the dark as soon as possible, as it is almost certain to provide some excitement.

That lasted about 10 minutes and took us to the road over the Golf Course. The sun had come out brightly, most obligingly, so we looked for a spot where we could enjoy an early but welcome lunch stop around 11.45. It was warm enough for even the Gollum to strip down to two layers and we ate like it was our last meal. Throughout the feast, Jason once more unleashed a torrent of abuse on the accumulated machinery from the US, Taiwan and Bulgaria as Ian discovered his Granny Ring hanging on by the last remaining chainring bolt! Nowt at all to do with foreign goods, but more like the fact that neither Ian himself nor the Gollum had bothered to tighten the bolts at Gollum's the day before, when we rebuilt Speedy's chainset with spare XT kit from Golly's Goodie Bag. We put it down to haste.

Moving on, and taking something of a risk, we all followed Ian around the southern edge of the Racecourse, keeping all eyes peeled for the Warden and his BFG. Luckily, the weather decided to start up and we suddenly found ourselves in a white-out. Not only that, but we all began to suffer from frozen fingers and toes. Good job Derek wasn't here with his precarious black tootsies. After trundling across the bog and doing a high wire act over a pungent stream, Jason took the lead as we headed for the roads at Melton Park, and our regular route again. But not before Ian had provided some spectacle by being thrown from his Stumpy, with no harm done. And then Jason decided the eye of a blizzard was a good place to get a puncture, and some very cold hands set to work fixing it and trying to figure out how many times his tyre protector would wrap around his wheel. We persuaded him to cut a few metres off it, and it actually appeared that the ribbon had caused his puncture itself! One more lesson learned here - DON'T let Gollum put your tyre back on, or you end up with a leaking wheel, much like this:

On we sped, and just as we approached the hotel entrance, he vanished again, appearing a few moments later pushing his bike. Rear puncture. That wasn't so much of a surprise  either, as we'd covered a lot of hawthorn territory today.

Next and final phase was a blast through the Park with Ian up front. The old legs began to give up half way up the climb behind the Hotel so it was Gollum who took the opportunity to steam ahead on the DDG as we hit the tree slalom. Like before, this looks totally different when you can see it and it's a lot easier to plan your route as you go. When we popped out onto Sandy Lane after Section One, frostbite was setting in with everyone, and I've never felt so cold in my short life. That meant a real blast over the final run to try and get warmed up and also to get home asap. Stopping at the wooden bridge after leading there by a handsome margin, Golly felt a thud. It was only Jason, joining him on the bridge but in the prone position, sliding ungracefully along the timbers on his arse as he hadn't figured on ice lying there before he lay there on top of it.

He shrugged off the very hard landing as he always does, and was first one away for the final few hundred metres to the Garden Centre exit. That was the last time we saw him, however, as he didn't look back and also had a rear tyre going down as he rode. Golly waited at the park gates, but no-one else came. So he circled on the road. And he circled. And he... Just before he vanished up his own entrance he decided to backtrack and see what was up. He was almost back at the bridge when Steve B appeared with the news that Ian had got another puncture! he was soon on the scene again with Steve W and we completed the ride with no more issues at 1.15pm and only an estimated 15 miles travelled.

I don't know about the others, but it took me an hour to thaw out enough to brave hot bath water on my feet, and even then they stung quite badly. I'm just glad I'd taken notice of the weather forecast, as this would have been no fun at all out in the wilds somewhere and with maybe another few hours left to get back to the vehicles. Nature is our Gaffer. Having said all that, it was another good ride with the usual amounts of excellent humour, scorn and trail bashing.

Once more a leisurely ride can turn into a nightmare simply because some of us still use inner tubes. Get rid!

Keep watching and if you fancy a ride out with us, drop us a line here: bailout@midaircrisis.org.uk