After missing a couple of rides due to taking a short holiday break (how dare he!) the Gollum was back tonight, Thursday 21st August in the wonderful summer of 2008, to welcome - well, he thought not many guests after ITV North's Bob Johnson, and other national weather forecasters, had promised a deluge. However, the sky didn't look too bad, it was warm, and before he knew it there were bikes piling onto his gravel from all directions.

First to arrive was Derek, biking down to Holystone from his Cramlington home on the (Spit) Stumpjumper. Then our resident Radar Operator Mick showed up from his Seaburn abode still wearing his old winter bike, the GT, but now it had lights! And then Chris D, the Rubber Man from at or very near Chopwell arrived with the freshly re-geared Mongoose Teocali, soon followed by Terry H from Cullercoats on his Fusion Floyd. These four paint a nice geographical "cross" over Tyne and Wear around the centrepoint of Golly's Cave and also happen to be amongst the keenest "dirty weather" men in the club.

That took the numbers up to five willing to get wetted, and they were then joined by Ian B, sporting bling Halo gold rims and hubs on his Kona hardtail, Arthur on the trusty Decathlon and finally Chris K on the sleek Trek Fuel EX8, which soon found itself upside down and the centre of attention as the gears were jumping. A quick squirt of Golly Juice™ and we were off. But not until the Rubber Man had launched a scathing attack on the Gollum's new French tail lamp, which looks like a little berry stuck on his helmet. Swine. Trying to figure the best route to suit such a diverse audience is always a failure, so here we go again.

We kicked off with the customary dive into the fields behind the Cave, enjoying a bit of twig-snapping, mud-plugging and bark-rubbing before hitting the bush line along the western edge of The Hill as Terry H sped off under the trees to lead. Not much time to rest there, as last man out Gollum turned an unexpected left (just coz everyone was facing the other way, DOWN the slope) and headed for the summit. He was soon overhauled by the others and we gathered on the top in dazzling sunshine as the evening began to warm up. We stopped here for a short picture session for this here diary.

Derek's turn to place a new twist on an old route, when he lit up down a new route off the top. It ultimately joined the fastest straight drop down but at the hidden bridge which always causes a spill or three, we followed him onto a stony track which led across our normal line of passage, and down to the corner of the main field. Usually we get off here onto the bridleway to Battle Hill, but once more Gollum shouted ahead to turn UP the hill again. It was just a short climb, however, but you should have heard the groans from behind - already! Another little duck under some bushes and we were in open air again for the descent to where we at last did join the bridle.

The Two Terrys bombed over the grass and down the hillock towards Battle Hill Drive, but when we'd all arrived, we hadn't all arrived! Arthur wasn't apparent, so Golly turned back to look for him. He wasn't very far away, however, so off we went again. Must say that these extra little pieces of rigorous exercise were quite deliberate, as the Gollum had just returned from holiday and it was now ELEVEN whole days since he'd sat on a bike, so he was looking for a bit of a workout. And for that reason, he'd also brought the Coiler out for a rare flat ride just to force the old scrawny bits to work harder.

Derek took us down onto the west side of the Burn but stopped just before the Tall Grass and Stinging Nettles field, gesturing to Golly to lead off! Why me? Anyway, as one of the few sensible ones with long trousers on, in he plunged. It hurt quite a bit! Not just legs, but arms and even fingers got stabbed on the way through, and when we gathered again on the bridleway there was plenty of squealing going on. But at least the mud wasn't as bad as we may have expected. One final blast took us down to Richardson Dees Park, and we sneaked through that with a couple of close shaves on the drops before emerging on Station Road. But not before Arthur's eagle eyes spotted a rear lamp lying on the floor, which he then presented to terry H. Find me one next, Arturo!

Then it was Magical Mystery Tour time as Golly attempted to weave his way through the alleyways, under the Metro and out above Swan's old yards, where we managed to drop too far towards the riverside and had to dig our way out again onto the North Tyne Cycle Way, or Sustrans National C2C Route 72. Here's Ian B concentrating on one of Gollum's daft, dangerous drops!

and a few more blurred ones

Nearing the bridges, Gollum and Mick decided to tackle a juicy-looking concrete staircase. Arriving at the top, they soon changed their minds and moved on to another less severe set. Golly got down and joined the others for the cross over Byker Bank, but where was Mick? He appeared moments later with distinctly sideways handlebars! Yep, he'd been playing Pilots again, but with little success. Just can't get work out of his routine, our tame Royal Air Force chap.

Terry led us down to the Ouse Burn and we decided to take a rest there, giving the old hands a chance to reflect on what the place looked like before the Yuppie revamp of the last few years. Once Golly had taken this picture

we moved on again up that blessed climb to Heaton, the Coiler making sure it wasn't an easy ride for the Gollum.

Time to swing into Heaton Park on absent friend, The Speedian's Jungle Run, but half the squad missed the best bit! We soon gathered again for the spirited romp up to Armstrong Bridge behind Terry who must still have thought he was on the Merida Marathon and wouldn't slow to under 20mph no matter what. We had another short stop here as Young Arthur had missed the head count again, then we were plunging down to Gollum's Bridge (so called because Gollum fell on it and lost an expensive rainproof jacket) in Jesmond Dene (so called because it's a dene and it's in Jesmond). That led to a few more laughs on the first bit of "singletrack" along the Burn when Gollum leading ran out of light (I kid you not) and the following trio ran into him, being forced to put their feet down in very deep squidge. Yuk. Sorry lads, but it was literally like riding with your eyes closed. That's not to say I didn't appreciate the loan of the original CatEye rechargeable from Derek, but it was never designed for off-roading.

We continued criss-crossing the water by the multitude of little bridges until popping out at Matthew bank. That's where Chris K took his leave as he'd ridden across to Holystone for the start but was now just outside his house. The rest of us dropped under the bridge, through the little tunnel and then tried to stay with terry as he motored on to Freeman Road and the end of the lumpy stuff. We got up there and rested for a few minutes, then a few minutes more as Arthur, who was having a tired old ride, still hadn't been accounted for. Gollum tried phoning Arty on his mobe but got a "wrong number" message, so decided to backtrack and look for him. He went all the way back to castle Farm Road and the tunnel again (VERY scary with only Derek's wonderful candlepower), but there was no sight or sound of Arthur there, the last place he was seen. So Golly rejoined the others and a short conference convinced us that Arthur had probably taken a shortcut up by Freeman Hospital and cut the last corner off before heading for home.

We came back extremely rapidly via the Tram Track and Coach Lane (yep, Terry up-front again!) arriving at the Cave dead on 10:00pm. About 16 miles or so covered. Couldn't walk the next day!

Keep watching and if you fancy a ride out with us, drop us a line here: bailout@midaircrisis.org.uk