It isn't often I get the chance to really have a go at a numbskull, but standby for the unleashing of the full-on, totally unforgiving Wrath of Skeletor (My, and therefore the Gollum's other friendly name - it's self-explanatory when you see me in the flesh). But first...

Thursday 9th October 2008, 19:00 at the Gollum's Cave, Holystone, known to all humanity as the birthplace of NMBC and the Holy Grail for all North East mountain bikers. Or not. Regardless of it's infamy as the BOF Biker haven, on this very dodgy-looking evening no less than SEVENTEEN riders were to enjoy the fruits of their labours on a very ordinary sounding trek around the Banks of the Tyne. They were:

Terry H, Ian A, Ian B, Arthur, Chris K, Chris D, David R, Stewart P, Matt H, Mick D, Craig M, Steve B, Mick H and the Gollum. So fourteen left the Cave, heading out the back once again into Speedian's ASDA Trail on the way down to the Coast Road at Wallsend, where the remaining three joined up in the shape of Alex, Katy and Rachel, surprising us all with her turn-out after her impromptu scuba lesson the week before! Tough Cookie, excellent.

Once we'd collected them and installed lights on Katy's and Rachel's bikes we were off down into Park Road and the Park (strange, eh?) which we managed to get through unscathed although there are traps a-plenty for the unwary, including an easy underwater trek should any lady member need a cooling dip. This spat us out into the bottom road through the Burn at Rosehill where, after some confusion with the Gollum trying to get up to the High Street via an impassable wood, we finally all met atop the old bridge. A nice swift plunge back down into the Burn had us regrouping for the tarmac stint into Howdon and the Tyne Pedestrian Tunnel. Just our luck that the escalators were off, so we had to man-(and woman)-handle the bikes down into the Tunnel. A few lucky ones took the lift, while Alex mad a decent fist of the first 25 metres aboard his Stumpy! That's a first, but if the CCTV was on him, it was nowt to do with us!

The thrilling dash through to Jarrow saw most of us gasping for air by the time we'd climbed out that side, those escalators being out of action aswell. After a short wait for oxygen replenishment we cruised along both sides of the road to Hebburn and down onto the Keelman's Way. That's where poor Rachel became the target of a Bull Terrier while flying down the steep road to the riverside, as if she hadn't been traumatised enough by last Thursday's escapade. We got through that and even the gaggle of Chavas playing picky-nose down there decided we were too many to enrage. That left the riverside bridleway to cover which we did reasonably rapidly as time was getting on. We did, however, permit ourselves a rest halt where the Golden Oldies stole the wooden bench for a few minutes looking down on the rippling Tyne below. Lovely night now, and strangely warm. Last time we did this route we got stuck behind a seven foot high fence and then an eight foot one coming into Gateshead, which we had to somehow scramble over after finding a hole under the first. This time - well, the hole had been plugged which meant every one of us, ladies and gents, had no choice but to scale the thing or take a boat upriver. Luckily, the second layer of defence was movable and let us nicely out onto the South Shore Road at Gateshead Stadium.

On we went through the industrial estate regrouping once more at the Millennium Bridge for several peoples' first crossing by bike. We also witnessed some spectacular drops from the top road to the embankment by Alex, Steve B, Mick H and Speedy. Loonies. Once safely over the bridge with no altercations with Walking Joe and Josephine Public, all we had to do now with the time approaching 9:45 pm was scoot along the prom, prom, prom and head for home. Easy. Or...

The bulk of the party was on the right hand side of the road approaching our turn-off up to Stepney Bank. Terry H was ahead of the Gollum on the left side. We came to the bridge which is currently closed on one side for repairs, and has traffic lights on it. There's only one bus and a few Yuppie motors through here every day. It just so happened it was time for the bus, which had been waiting for the lights to change and was now heading our way on the wrong side, due to the lane closure. Terry H jumped the Floyd Fusion up the kerb on the left, then up another 9 inch step beyond that as he headed along the narrow strip between the bridge side and the road below. The Gollum followed, hopping the first kerb and then totally frigging the second. In doing so, he did what young Rachel had done the week previous - took both feet off the pegs and tried to put one down into thin air. Only one way to go now - down. But he fell to the right and because the road was a couple of feet below his right pedal, he couldn't prevent the bike tipping him into the road, directly in front of the oncoming bus. Judas Priest, If I'd been waiting for the thing to get home on it would never have turned up.

Well, at this point there are a few people to thank. First, and most importantly, the engineering persona who decided to fit giant disc brakes to single-decker buses. Master Stroke. Secondly, the bus driver, poor sod, who showed fantastic reflexes in leaping onto those big stoppers in the blink of a Gollum's eye. Thirdly, the absolute Einstein-alike genius who invented Artificially Intelligent roadwork traffic lights that stop you when there's nowt coming the other way, otherwise I'd be writing this from a cloud or a blazing inferno - more likely the latter - if the bus hadn't been stationary seconds before. And last but not least, the passengers aboard this urban caterpillar who, to a man and woman, allowed me to ride away unscathed even after I'd smashed all their dentures on the seat rails in front of them. Thank you All, from the bottom of my dripping, brown trousers.

That leads me nicely on to the people I do NOT have to thank. There's only two of them, so it won't take long. First one is Terry H. Now you may think he is completely innocent, being in front and totally oblivious to what was about to happen behind him, but you'd be wrong. Ever since Terry started riding with us he's worn a bullseye on his arse that presents a target for Gollums to aim at, whatever the circumstances. Wherever that target goes, Golly has to try and keep up. It doesn't work on the uphills at all, and only partially on the downs. But when we're just tooling along on the flat it's much easier to track. Trouble is, whatever he sprinkles on his cornflakes ain' t available in Golly's local pharmacy. What? You don't think that's a valid argument? Ah well, I had to try! So that just leaves one, I suppose. So, friends (?) I must come clean -

I hereby publicly declare my abject stupidity in performing this stunt, it was (I hope) the daftest thing I've ever done out riding, although the list is fairly long, but if you ever see me try anything similar again you have my permission to bawl me out publicly, I'll deserve it. Maybe I should be assigned a couple of Outriders?

I was too embarrassed to hang around much after this and tried to skedaddle up the bank. God knows what the others were thinking. Actually, I do know, and I agree. Maybe I'm too old to be trusted on the roads - I never liked them anyway. Come to that, maybe I'm too old to be trusted on the trails. Now then, where does that leave me?

We all managed to get up the climb into Heaton and stopped on Heaton Park Road to recover the loaned-out lighting systems. That's where Katy, Rachel and Alex parted company with the rest and headed for home in Heaton. We carried on down into Jesmond Vale and under Armstrong Bridge, where somehow the party managed to split, and Chris K also headed for home. Someone else, possibly Craig M also left near here for his home in Kenton and maybe Matt to Heaton and David R to Gosforth also! The remainder made their way along the Coast Road again. Terry H stayed on it bound for Cullercoats, leaving the others to turn up behind Wills' onto the bridleways up to Benton. Stewart turned down Station Road for his home in Wallsend while Steve B went the other way to Longbenton. That left Ian B, Mick H, Chris D and the Gollum to finish the stint along to ASDA where Ian turned for home in Palmersville. While the other three were washing their bikes and wrapping up, Smoker One (sorry, Mick D, I think!) turned up to tell us who had split off from where in their party. They hadn't gone through the Dene as we suspected, they'd just followed us but a little further back! Thanks to Speedy for filling in some of the blanks for me, and for collecting everyones' names at the start of the ride, and for being Sweeper on this one.