What a day to choose for an away day! A crispy, wintry, minus two degrees on this peculiar ride day for SpeedIan/NMBC/MAC people, brought about solely by the Half Term School Holiday and our Speedy. Ian proposed this ride some time ago, but up until the last minute the list of interested parties was fluctuating like the number of bikes in Gollum's shed. Finally it was Ian A and Arthur in Ian's car, and Keith and Golly in the Gollymobile who set off from the Cave, the latter pair on their way to collect Ian F from Newcastle central Station after his customary trek up from Durham to England with his Orange full susser on the choo choo. Elsewhere, in South East Northumberland, Andy was due to collect his college buddies and meet us somewhere between here and Glentress.

The first two cars trolled over serenely and arrived just after 11.00 am, Ian and Arthur finding the time to fit in a coffee stop at Byrness while the GollyMobile made up the difference after the station detour. We were just mulling around outside "The Hub" bike shop and cafe watching for what Gollum described as a "large Ford Focus". It never showed, of course, as there's no such vehicle. So we milled around a bit more, inspecting some of the tasty machinery the Hub hires out for rides here. We'd just about given up on Andy and were ready to ride off when Keith discovered he had a bit of a softee on his Specialized. So he nipped into the bike shop for a new tube as he suspected the valve to be the problem, while Speedian removed the offending article. We were taking shifts at blowing up the tyre and ready to leave again when Andy DID turn up! The "large Focus" turned out to be a Fusion - must be made from the same dodgy stuff as Golly's brain matter. Below - the eerie sight of islands in the valley as we approached Otterburn.

Anyway, the young lady and two young gentlemen with Andy then had to book out their hire bikes and when all that was done we hit that horrible initial climb through the trees to start the Red Route, our target for today. By the time we all made the Buzzard's Nest car park there were already a few shattered legs, but even on the way up there Keith suffered a front puncture! Oh, oh - surely not another one of those days? Upon gathering at the top car park Andy decided to take the Green and/or Blue trails to get his bods used to the place, so with full agreement the five regulars set off uphill again to the Radio Station and the start of the Red Trail proper.

Gollum had decided to use this trip as a real test of his new mount - the Decathlon Rockrider 9.1, a thoroughbred French Sports Supermarket chain's attempt at an MTB. Decathlon came to the UK about a year ago, and in August's MBUK magazine there was a test of sub-£500 bikes. The clear winner was the Decathlon Rockrider 6.3, but here's what happened when Golly tried to buy one.

Anyway, the Old One/Gollum/Skeletor/Sh@t-for-brains had spent a just few quid on the new bike, swapping the 120mm Cross Country stem for a Truvativ Hotzfeller 40mm version from Evans. The bike had been fine on it's first rides in the preceding week but for the jumpy bits Golly prefers a twitchy, quick-steering front end. So off we dived down the first piece of beautiful singletrack called Pennel’s Vennel.  Marvellous. When we gathered at the bottom for a short breather, Golly confessed the bike felt a bit queer. We completed this section down to the fireroad and he proclaimed the bike was making him a bit nervous. The new stem had shortened the reach considerably (OK then, by 80mm precisely) and it must be that which was causing the big change in feel. So the seat was moved right back on it's rails. Not only did that restore the status quo, but it also got the Gollum's weight (OK, mass) further back on the bike. By the time we got to the next juicy bit the transformation was remarkable, and all was good with the world, just in time for Spooky Wood!

That came only after a couple of blood-pumping climbs, strange how you forget the tough bits after you leave this place grinning! We rode most of the way (Arthur and I) and pushed a little, while the others stayed mounted all the way up. But they're athletes. It was here that Ian F had his bike upside down by the time Gollum arrived, but only to move his front calliper a little to stop a painful squeal. Then we completed the last half kilometre to the picnic table at the top of Spooky Wood. They really should rename this section to Absolute Bliss, or something similar. We noshed and lay about for a while, hoping the other bodies up there would disappear and save our embarrassment. They were pretty slow to do so, but eventually we got away on the toboggan run, with Gollum hiking down first a few hundred metres, or eight switchbacks, to get some video of the others descending.

Here they are, a few seconds worth of each:     Arthur    Keith    Speedian    Ian F  (coming soon!!!) No, sorry, lost it! We'll just have to go back and do it all again! (see above - video didn't work anyway!!!)

All five little faces had the same big, wide grin on them at the bottom. And it took no persuading at all to send us scrabbling back up to the top for a greedy second go! According to Forestry Scotland, Spooky Wood has "twelve 180-degree bermed bends, 18 jumps and 17 tabletops" but I would stick a zero on the end of each, it seems to last forever, or at least long enough to knacker you physically. The second run down was even better, as I didn't have to stop to take pictures, and just let rip. Great weather, great trail, and great bike. Shame about the rider!

Keith sizes up the starting drop-offs and demonstrates their height

The Super G comes next, with totally different, more natural character than Spooky, but just as exhilarating with the possibilities of damage from roots, rocks and the odd tree very close to the trail. Yet again the Five Grinners soaked it up, eager for more, but getting more tired with all this hanging on at decent speeds. And still Hit Squad Hill to get down, with more of the same and a few tricky, rock-strewn switchbacks. And the odd Black-looking surprise! Once down here we could have climbed straight up to the Magic Mushroom but Ian directed us to the short but very technical Pie Run, a short slice of Red I' didn't know existed - trust Speedy to root out all the rooty bits! This was the bit almost everyone came unstuck on, with a couple of turtle impressions thrown in from Arthur, Keith and the two Ians. Notice, reader, no mention of a falling Gollum, coz he didn't! First time for ages. Touch head.

Here's an unsuspecting Keith, about to have an Arthur mount him!  

Here's Speedian's dramatic chute drop at the end of the Pie Run         500KB .wmv vid

We backtracked and climbed the inevitable hill to get us to the beginning of the run for home. Last leg - The Matrix, with it's berms, bridges and scattered tiny Black bits again. However, just before we reached this point, we had Bike Failure Two! Nothing serious, except that Speedian had a front brake lever coming right back to his handlebars without much retardation. No problem for Ian, though, trooper that he is having a spare set of pads for his Shimano hydraulics in his backpack - if YOU don't carry some, it's time you did!

This is where Keith and Speedian led off followed by the rest. As we approached the first Black/Red choice, Golly sped past the leaders onto the Black log drop, closely followed by Ian F, with Keith yelling "Oi, where you two going?" but we were now in race mode and couldn't answer. With the advantage of a dozen previous visits here, Golly just had the edge, managing to stay ahead of the rampaging, and still grinning Ian F on the Flying Orange as the two pummelled the final set of switchbacks and jumps to hit the road completely shattered. The others were only seconds adrift after working out what we'd done, and we were all in the same physical state as the trail ended. After a couple of jibes by Speedy - "wanna do it again?" we cruised back down to The Hub where Andy was sitting having a coffee outside with a third of his visitors. The other two turned up a few minutes later on their hired Konas, and their faces mirrored ours - dirty great ear-to-ear smiles they couldn't switch off. Even the lady enjoyed herself once she'd got used to the hire bike and it's gear system.

The more I come to this place, the more I forget, the harder the climbs become, and the more fun I have. What do you think about those poor sods who have to sit in front of the telly every Sunday - poor shame, eh? Fantastic ride. Thanks to Ian for picking today to do it, and for thinking of it in the first place, and for making sure we had perfect weather and company for it. One of the best.

Ride finished just after 4.00pm, 17km. 4 fallers (5 with Andy's youngest member, but he just didn't care) [names to follow].

Keep watching and if you fancy a ride out with us, drop us a line here: bailout@midaircrisis.org.uk